The Constitutional 'Murkan
(With Apologies to Monty Python)

The Scene: A pleasant, bucolic afternoon in a quiet, wooded, suburban idyll.  A MAN and A WOMAN are weeding their garden in the lazy afternoon sun.  GEORGE WALKER BUSH comes walking up the street, accompanied by his faithful flunky COLIN.

GWB: Hey you!

MAN: What?!?

GWB: You there in the dirt [points to gated house up the street] What CEO lives in that house there?

MAN: I have a name, you know

GWB: Well, I couldn't just say "Who lives in that house?"

MAN: You could call me "Dennis"

GWB: I didn't know you were called "Dennis"

MAN: You didn't even bother to find out, did you?  What I object to most you automatically treating me like an inferior.

GWB: Well, I am King!

MAN: King, eh?  Very nice!  And how'd you get to be King?  By perverting the system and fooling the masses with your nonsense about being "comfortable in your own skin?" By running to the courts when you didn't get your way?  By using outdated ...

WOMAN: Dennis, there's some pernicious clumps of dandilions down here.  Oh! How are you?

GWB: Just fine, my dear lady.  I am George, King of the 'Murkans.  Whose gated compound is that?

WOMAN: King of the who?

GWB: The 'Murkans.

WOMAN: Who are the 'Murkans?

GWB: Well, we all are, and I am your King.

WOMAN: I didn't know we had a King, I thought we were a constitutional democracy.

MAN: You're fooling yourself.  We live in a plutocratic dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the masses ...

WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing classism and democracy into it again.

MAN: That's what it's all about.

GWB: Guys, whatever!  I am in a hurry.  What CEO lives in that house so that I may personally give him his tax break?

MAN: No one lives there.

GWB: Who is your CEO then?

MAN: We don't have a CEO!

GWB: [looks puzzled] Yes?

MAN: We told you, we're a constitutional representative democracy with a President and a Congress elected by the People ...

GWB: [getting impatient] Alright, I see

MAN: in an election every two years, in the case of Congress and every four years, in the case of the President, unless there's a tie, in which case the Congress decides the issue ...

GWB: I order you to SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

WOMAN: Order, just who does this guy think he is?

GWB: Say what!?!  I am your King!

WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.

GWB: You don't vote for kings.

WOMAN: Then how did you become King?

GWB: [looks reverently into the middle distance as a The Mormon Tabernacle Choir sings]
Sir Tony of the Fat, ... his agenda hidden by the greatest of hypocrisy, held the Constitution in abeyance and decreed that by Divine Providence (and a creative interpretation of the Fourteenth Amendment) that I, George, was to carry the Project for a New American Century forward and that is why I am your King!
[singing stops]

MAN: Look, midnight Supreme Court mental gymnastics and morons in judicial robes handing out the keys to the White House are no basis for a system of government.  Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the People, not from some washed-up Federalist Society hack!

GWB: Shut up!

MAN: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some right-wing idiot on the Supreme Court threw the Constitution out the window and appointed you to be King!

GWB: Shut up!

MAN: I mean, if I went around telling everyone that I got to be King or President or whatever just because some ideological Neanderthal with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court and not accountable to the voters decreed that I was King, they'd throw me in the loony bin!

GWB: [grabs MAN by the collar]  Shut up, I am telling you!

MAN: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the wingnuts when they don't get their way!

[OTHER AMERICANS begin gathering around from houses up and down the street.]

MAN: Help! Help!  I am being repressed!  My rights are being violated!  Help me!

GWB: [looks around, throws MAN back down to the garden] Stupid peasant!

GWB then stomps off disgustedly down the street, muttering about "limousine liberals" who are "destroying America" as COLIN follows obediently behind.

Back to my homepage

email me