The Scene: A pleasant, bucolic afternoon in a quiet, wooded,
suburban idyll. A MAN and A WOMAN are weeding their garden in
the lazy afternoon sun. GEORGE WALKER BUSH comes walking up the
street, accompanied by his faithful flunky COLIN.
GWB: Hey you!
GWB: You there in the dirt [points to gated house up the street]
What CEO lives in that house there?
MAN: I have a name, you know
GWB: Well, I couldn't just say "Who lives in that house?"
MAN: You could call me "Dennis"
GWB: I didn't know you were called "Dennis"
MAN: You didn't even bother to find out, did you? What
I object to most you automatically treating me like an inferior.
GWB: Well, I am King!
MAN: King, eh? Very nice! And how'd you get to be
King? By perverting the system and fooling the masses with your
nonsense about being "comfortable in your own skin?" By running to the
courts when you didn't get your way? By using outdated ...
WOMAN: Dennis, there's some pernicious clumps of dandilions down
here. Oh! How are you?
GWB: Just fine, my dear lady. I am George, King of the
'Murkans. Whose gated compound is that?
WOMAN: King of the who?
GWB: The 'Murkans.
WOMAN: Who are the 'Murkans?
GWB: Well, we all are, and I am your King.
WOMAN: I didn't know we had a King, I thought we were a constitutional
MAN: You're fooling yourself. We live in a plutocratic
dictatorship, a self-perpetuating autocracy in which the masses ...
WOMAN: Oh, there you go, bringing classism and democracy into
MAN: That's what it's all about.
GWB: Guys, whatever! I am in a hurry. What CEO lives
in that house so that I may personally give him his tax break?
MAN: No one lives there.
GWB: Who is your CEO then?
MAN: We don't have a CEO!
GWB: [looks puzzled] Yes?
MAN: We told you, we're a constitutional representative democracy
with a President and a Congress elected by the People ...
GWB: [getting impatient] Alright, I see
MAN: in an election every two years, in the case of Congress
and every four years, in the case of the President, unless there's a
tie, in which case the Congress decides the issue ...
GWB: I order you to SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
WOMAN: Order, just who does this guy think he is?
GWB: Say what!?! I am your King!
WOMAN: Well, I didn't vote for you.
GWB: You don't vote for kings.
WOMAN: Then how did you become King?
GWB: [looks reverently into the middle distance as a The Mormon
Tabernacle Choir sings]
Sir Tony of the Fat, ... his agenda hidden by the greatest of
hypocrisy, held the Constitution in abeyance and decreed that by Divine
Providence (and a creative interpretation of the Fourteenth Amendment)
that I, George, was to carry the Project for a New American Century
forward and that is why I am your King!
MAN: Look, midnight Supreme Court mental gymnastics and morons
in judicial robes handing out the keys to the White House are no basis for
a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate
from the People, not from some washed-up Federalist Society hack!
GWB: Shut up!
MAN: You can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because
some right-wing idiot on the Supreme Court threw the Constitution out
the window and appointed you to be King!
GWB: Shut up!
MAN: I mean, if I went around telling everyone that I got to
be King or President or whatever just because some ideological Neanderthal
with a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court and not accountable to
the voters decreed that I was King, they'd throw me in the loony bin!
GWB: [grabs MAN by the collar] Shut up, I am telling you!
MAN: Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the wingnuts when
they don't get their way!
[OTHER AMERICANS begin gathering around from houses up and down
MAN: Help! Help! I am being repressed! My rights
are being violated! Help me!
GWB: [looks around, throws MAN back down to the garden] Stupid
GWB then stomps off disgustedly down the street, muttering about
"limousine liberals" who are "destroying America" as COLIN follows
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