The Dumb Chimp
A voter enters a television studio, carrying a large, unkempt
simian bearing a remarkable resemblance to George W. Bush, its eyes
glazed over in a vacant, mindless stare
He approaches the front counter
Voter: I want to make a complaint!
(the media whore behind the counter does not respond)
V: Hello, bitch!
MW: Who are you calling "bitch?"
V: (pauses) Sorry, maybe it was because you're lying down on the floor
with your legs spread open. I wish to make a complaint.
MW: We're closed for lunch.
V: I don't care, I want to complain about this president who I voted
for barely two years ago, based upon the recommendation of this very
station.
MW: Ah, yes. The Texas Yellow-Bellied Dope, um, what's the
problem with him?
V: I'll tell you what's wrong with him, he's an IDIOT, that's
what's wrong with him!
MW: No, no, he's, uh, thinking.
V: Look, my friend, I know a dumb chimp when I see one and and I am
looking at one right now!
MW: No, no, he's not an idiot, he's just thinking really hard!
Remarkable lineage, the Yellow-Belly!
V: His lineage doesn't enter into it. He's a COMPLETE MORON!
MW: No, no! He's thinking!
V: All right then, if he's thinking, I'll ask him what he's thinking
about (shakes chimpanzee repeatedly), Hello, Mr. Chimpy, who's the
leader of Peru, what is the square of five? Hello, Mr Chimpy,
answer me!
(chimpanzee grunts, mumbles "compassionate conservatism" and "war on
tara" before returning to his torpid, vacuous stupor)
MW: There, he said something!
V: No, that was you feeding him his lines through that teleprompter!
MW: Me, never!
V: Yes, you did, I saw you!
MW: Never! I never came near that teleprompter
V: (bitch slapping the chimpanzee repeatedly, yelling) HELLO,
MR. PRESIDENT, this is your pop quiz now, snap to it, name three causes
of World War I, explain the Plessy v. Ferguson United States Supreme
Court ruling in 1896 in one succinct sentence, HELLO!
(Voter picks up chimp, stands him on his hind legs, holds him
for a moment, lets go, chimp drops to floor, drool leaking out of his
mouth)
V: Now that is what I call a DUMB CHIMP!
MW: No, no he's ruminating on your questions, he's .. thinking about
them really hard!
V: RUMINATING?!?
MW: Well, yes, you hit him with a couple of hard questions there, Texas
Yellow-Bellies, they think easily, you know.
V: Now, look here, friend, I have had enough of this. That
president is definitely a moron and when I voted for him barely two
years ago you assured me that his complete lack of coherence and
inability to form a whole sentence was due to his extensive drug use in
his youth but that he was comfortable in his own skin.
MW: Well, he's probably pining for the sagebrush.
V: PINING for the SAGEBRUSH?!?!? What's up with that, why did he
immediately fall over to the hard right the moment after I voted for
him?
MW: Well, the Texas Yellow-Belly prefers the right anyway, they're more
comfortable that way.
V: Look, I took the liberty of examining that chimp and his record
after I voted for him and I discovered that the only reason he got as
far as he did was because you were PROPPING him up ALL THE WAY.
(Media whore pauses)
MW: Well, of course I was propping him up, I had to, you see. He
has the weight of the world on his shoulders and if I hadn't propped
him up, the stress of all that would have gotten to him and he'd have
spoken something very profound from depths of his soul which the world
wouldn't have been ready for.
V: SPOKEN!?! Mister, this chimpanzee couldn't speak if you rammed
a megaphone up his ass, he's FLIPPING STUPID!
MW: No, no, he's THINKING!
V: He's not thinking, he's drooling, he's dawdling, this chimp's higher
brain functions are no more, he's a complete moron, a buffoon, and an
imbecile to boot. Bereft of the intelligence God gave a banana
slug, he sits there vacantly awaiting whatever words you put in his
mouth. If you hadn't propped him up, he'd have fallen right off
the map, his cerebral processes are nil! He's a couple votes
short of a quorum, not got enough brain cells left to figure out who he
is let alone what
he's supposed to do. This is a TOTAL JERK and an INCOMPETENT
BUFFOON
to boot! This is a DUMB CHIMP!!!
(Media whore pauses)
MW: Well, we'd better replace him, then. (takes a quick look behind the
desk)
MW: Sorry, sir, I've had a look around and we're fresh out of
presidents.
V: OK, I get the picture.
MW: I have a Talking Head here.
V: Does he act like a president? Can he think on his own?
Does he have a FLIPPING CLUE on how to go about leading the Free
World?!?
MW: Well, no not really.
V: THEN HE'S HARDLY A REPLACEMENT, IS HE!?!!?
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